Maybe, truly

The gray insides of a girls’ school beckoned me, and I slipped inside, not knowing whether I was allowed there or not. Strangely, the room which I walked into looked more and more like my nursery classroom, with low wooden chairs that seemed to be as much for toys as for human babies. I was looking for somebody, I think. A young girl. A girl who on meeting seemed to be close to my own age. She was sweet looking, and had pretty hair. No, she was decidedly younger than me, even if by one or two years. She had a loving adoration towards me.

As I tried to know her better, I saw myself in my Amma’s two-beds-in-one. Beside me, in the next section of the bed, was the girl in the arms of her lover, who was all that good-looking with curly hair and dimpled face. As I looked at them, they looked at me, with the same loving adoration that the girl had proffered to me before. I noticed that the boy was tugging my hand, and that I didn’t wholly dislike it; his touch on my hands. He wanted me. He revered me, looked up to me and idolized me in every breath. His laughing advances were not checked by the girl. She smiled, a lovely beckoning smile, and didn’t seem perturbed at her partner wanting me. And I decided that it wasn’t such a bad thing. But as he tried to get me into his lap, I coyly drew the line. ‘I’m all for monogamy, you know. I have a boyfriend.’ He seemed disappointed, but not wholly so. He knew that his playtime was over. As I rolled out of bed, I wasn’t satisfied either.

Then there was this group of white musicians whom I bumped into, near the elevator, I think. One of them, (I don’t remember who, all of them looked about the same) with a guitar slung across his torso and cropped Bermuda pants, with a kind face, incidentally, who wanted me to accompany him. Or it could’ve easily been the other way round. And I did. I sat in his lap, or he in mine, and sang duets that needed two people, but he could sing for both. He could even produce vocal harmonies on his own, as I listened to the faint vibration in his back as he sang. As he sang, he kept caressing a sliver of flesh above my navel which my shirt didn’t hide.

Ramble

Walking down the forest path, we kept moving, never stopping, always moving, for fear of the forest engulfing us. The drone of the insects was a living, throbbing entity. Yet it wasn’t quite the fear which kept us from halting. We were caught in a frenzy of inertia; we couldn’t stop. Our feet kept carrying us until we could walk no more. As long as we didn’t stop, we wouldn’t have to acknowledge the reality of the moss-covered trees, the rolling slope that fell away from their feet, or even the road itself, unused, unpopulated. There were tyre tracks, that had bared the muddy foundation of the roads, but insects were breeding in those puddles, and we walked past, and they remained undisturbed. What are civilization, and custom and manners to this inhumane forest? What do clothes or food mean to it? What does it matter to it, whether we’re there? We only need to keep walking.

There was this peculiar sanctity, yet an unholy haunting in the atmosphere which we couldn’t ignore. It wasn’t sacred, it wasn’t profane. Even places where humans had dabbled with the inherent obtuseness of the forest were infused with a sort of nothingness, or a feeling too strange to be described. There were vermillion flags, nestled in the cleavage of the mountain, and one or two pictures of Hindu deities that were perched on a rock shelf. In spite of this intrusion, the place retained its obstinate, impenetrable aura, and the flags didn’t flutter, and the pictures lay, where nobody has ever laid his eyes. A thin, very thin trickle of water issued from the wall, and pooled in the road. On our way back, it wasn’t there.

The birdman

Another dream

The birdman had finally come. Someone had caught him and had let us know. We saw him waiting in the customary kitchen terrace. At once, I saw the white duck he had with him. It was disappointing. I had hoped that it would be the peacock he carried around on other days.

The birdman spoke. “Who would go?”

My brother pushed me aside and exclaimed, “I’m first! I’m first!” When I subjected him to an acrimonious stare, he said, “Because I’m smaller!” As he spoke, he gradually shrunk into the puny frame of his kindergarten years. Giving me a triumphant smirk, he mounted the bird. The birdman followed.

It was especially windy. The birdman only came on windy days. He kicked the ground and the bird started rising in the air, wings flapping. It wasn’t such a small bird as I’d thought. They advanced vertically for some time, and then relied on the wind to carry them backward and forward. Soon, the gusts blew them about, and they became a black speck in the sky like an errant kite. I still squinted and tried to locate them. My brother must have clouds in his eyes, I thought. They would stick to his ears and his temple. My feet ached. I sat on the steps, waiting.

Then I heard flapping above and looked up. They had returned. I jumped up.

“It took such a while because I wanted to go near the stars today. No matter how far up we went, it looked like they were in the same place; within reach.” My brother gushed. The birdman smiled benignly.

“Well, it’s my turn, in any case,” I said and straddled the bird. As we started rising, the lights went out: we were only a dark shadow. I still wanted to continue, but then the rain came on hard, and I ached all over. “You have to get down now, it is not possible.” With a sinking heart, I agreed with the birdman.

I retreated inside and sat on the bed with my brother and mother keeping company. The birdman stood in the terrace; a dark shadow.

Almost in a minute, the lights came back, and the rain stopped. I rushed to the terrace. “Could we go now?” The birdman nodded, but there was no wind. Still, I got on the bird and we rose in the still air, excitement mounting. It was such a long time since I had done this. I saw the clouds, but they breezed past, and I saw the stars, but didn’t want to go near them. In time, we returned, and my mother counted out the coins, and we could look forward to the last bit. Receiving the money, the birdman plucked two identical white feathers from the bird’s tail and gave them to us. It was our precious memento.

Dream

I often see myself passing out of the gleaming orange mosquito nets and rising through the ceiling, into the terrace above. Immediately, I notice that it is chilly. Compared to the comfortable stuffiness in the room, the terrace was almost windy, and it left me feeling exposed. I was hovering a few dozen feet above the ground, and it made me feel dizzy. There was the speckled terrace floor below, looking eminently serviceable, littered with burnt firecrackers and eucalyptus leaves. I longed to gradually lower my feet onto it, but the wind carried me towards the eucalyptus in the corner, and the leaves tickled my nose. It was a brightly lit night, I saw.

The few afternoons that I have left

I have the urge to put this down before the details slip away, and I feel like Jonathan when he stored away bits and pieces of his memory carefully in Ziploc bags. It was a good-for-nothing afternoon, perfectly useless after a late lunch, which progressed to give me a mild headache and an aching sensibility. Everything is Illuminated, is, as I learned, a book first and a film much later. It opens with WWII photo collections- old, tattered photos pinned on to some wall, and I was apt to dismiss the film for the baggage that such films normally bring. After Maus, I was very, very wary: I rarely touched any WWII material, no matter how delightfully packaged it was. However, I was lured into it initially because of a black ballpoint pen that wrote beautifully. Large unseemly scrawls in bold letters, marking out chapters like ‘The Commencement of a Very Rigid Search’ broke into pristine interiors and Elijah Wood’s giant, insect-like eyes magnified by his antiquated spectacles. Stark, whitewashed walls and old skin that wrinkled like paper, covered to the chin by a paper white sheet. Jonathan stares; at first, it is possible to mistake the austerity of his oiled and parted hair and severe spectacles for lack of compassion. But it is heartwarming to note the beginnings of a smile soften his pallid face when his grandmother motions towards him, and it is then that I realized that I shouldn’t read too much into his appearance, or anyone else’s, for that matter. The neat orderliness of Jonathan’s world is contrasted by the life led by a family in Odessa, Ukraine, who give heritage tours to Americans inclined on tracing their ancestor’s roots, and where, incidentally, Jonathan is expected in a short while. The chaos at the family dinner set off by the seemingly eccentric members- the narrator, a young Ukrainian who is suitably impressed by American pop culture, his parents, an irritable grandfather who thinks he’s blind and a demented collie called Samuel Jr. Jr.- spills over to the journey itself. What seems to be a sharp comedy, accented by lovely camera-work and a fitting score, soon turns into something entirely different.

Exactly where the story morphs into a journey of meaningfulness is uncertain, but I remember that I had to gasp when the sunflower fields parted and the shrine-like appearance of the cottage loomed into view, with the flapping white clothes on the lines all around it. Jonathan’s search for the woman who saved his grandfather’s life acquires meaning when the normally irascible grandfather broods behind the wheel, and observes his face when Jonathan isn’t looking. The narrator, whose English seems curiously perverted, offers Jonathan slight solace, but soon, he sets aside his translator’s duties to remark on the changed behaviour of his grandfather. Trachimbrod, the hamlet they were in search of, was wiped out by Nazis, and that it exists in a woman’s imagination and small, well-marked boxes seems incredible. But the poignancy of the late night walk to the river bank, and the stone plaque that remembers the dead somehow paves the way for the grandfather’s death in a tub by slitting his wrists. As Alex put it, he seemed to be more in his life in the last hours of that journey. When it is time for Jonathan to leave, and he hugs the collie, who had grown attached to him, it is a sort of beginning, rather than the end, for it is where both of them begin to realize that ‘everything is illuminated by their past’.

The story is undoubtedly, touching, but it was made remarkable by certain moments in the film, like the scene at the beginning, chronicling his grandparents’ deaths, and the scene where the odd party orders dinner. That Jonathan is a vegetarian complicates matters, and his wish to be served a potato is rendered wryly humourous by Alex, the grandfather and his dog. Each individual scene seemed complete in itself. That anybody could watch a few scenes from the film and not feel cheated or frustrated if it was necessary to walk away is a good thing, I suppose. And the fact that in spite of the minute details of time and place, both worlds- Jonathan’s American one and Alex’s mixed culture- seemed to be vague, unreal, yet frightfully universal, is worth noting.

Everything is Illuminated left me with dreams, and quite a few moments, and that was more than what I sat for.

Remembering Lady of Shalott

[I realize that this is in the same vein, but then...]

Dead of the afternoon, after the rains. The restive stillness has gone, leaving with a light dusting of quiet peace. I can now see the place in the mirror, the lush green of the field beyond, the trees dotting it, the Umbrella Tree looming in the foreground. The Assamese towel in red and white hangs on to the scene, the radio antenna on top of it. The place is so far beyond, yet surprisingly accessible- it’s as though it has been flattened, reducing its depth to a surrealistic degree. Twin swings hang in the middle, secured together by a chain; tall, unwieldy grasses have sprung up all around- the air of abandonment hangs heavy over it. But now it is a beautiful green, and I don’t mind the sprightly grasses, or the overhanging foliage of trees that have eaten up the dirt path. Turning right from there, was the place where I had tossed dead kittens in a shoebox into the grasses. Mosquitoes had formed an overarching column, rising over my head like a veil of gloom. Now the water has crept into every leaf and twig, swelling it to twice its size. I don’t see that, but the roots have been steeped in excesses, and the trees bursting at the seams. It’s only a while now before the light fades and the green is swathed in a purple glow. The place vanishes.

Like the place that could be seen from the window on the other side, I can’t see it any more. From Dadua’s room, a window spied on a family occupying the ground floor next door. It was only possible to see the kitchen, and the adjoining open space, where clothes and utensils were piled every morning for the maid to wash. Words were ground with spices, the mistress turned over in the pans fish heads, and the day’s activity ceased with the wash being hung out to dry. Overnight, the family disappeared, the kitchen door remained closed, and the courtyard became overgrown. The next family that moved in after a period of seven years, walled up the door, and shut the space out.

Spaces

It is a question of crossing thresholds. I’ve been rearranging prejudices for a long time now, under the guise of thinking. It is frightening to contemplate the degree of one’s blindness at a given period. It is like living in a sound-proof room, with no windows. Nothing comes in, nothing goes out. The point where the walls end and the other rooms start is a liminal space; to be crossed over; the threshold. And I think I’m there right now. Shared familiarity pulls me back, draws me in, yet the new promises resound in my ears, emboldening me, imbuing my thoughts with searing clarity. In time, that clarity would cloud over and become mouldy, and give way to a sharper reality, I know. But now, it is a curious time. Old fancies and hopes cannot be denied, yet their immediacy is lost. Green thoughts, budding with newer hopes, are bright, but uncertain. I’m trying to come into terms with this space by thinking out loud. Or, typing it out. As much as I avoid dramatizing each thought that crosses my mind, or each reminiscence that begs to be rediscovered, the events and the thought processes thus retold, betray a weakness for sensationalism.

I’m not the child-me. I outgrew her. But I don’t quite fit into bigger shoes. At times, it is difficult to sort out my priorities, new from old, immediate from uninvolved. It is akin to being ousted from a community, a trusted space, the feeling of being gradually disowned, of ensuing strangeness. Comfort tires out, bourgeoning excitement takes its place, yet there is a fear that the comfort thus lost, would never be recovered again. It is a time of apprehensions. Of misplaced feelings.